Thursday, May 14, 2009

Son of the Mask - review

Coming soon. Because I'm a lazy prick. Plus a real reason: I will watch The Mask proper for the first time in several years, because apparently Ben Stein was in the first one, which indicates to me that it's been too long since I've seen the first one to properly review the sequel.

If you absolutely have to know what I think, though, and I know you do, the following should suffice.

1. Toilet humor hasn't been funny since the 1980's. Everybody was doing coke at the time.




Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Playlist - The Essential Old Sad Bastard

A work in progress. Songs about unrequited love, loss, anger, pain, and general malaise. A lot of these are a bit modern for my taste, but I've just really gotten into music in the past few years. Considering the music I had around when most people get into music, you shouldn't blame me.

Lost Cause - Beck

Back in Your Head - Tegan and Sara

Bang Bang - Nancy Sinatra cover

How to Disappear Completely - Radiohead

Losing My Religion - REM

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley cover

Jolene - Dolly Parton

True Romance - She Wants Revenge

Cat's in the Cradle - Harry Chapin

Superstar - The Carpenters

Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles

Hotel California - The Eagles

Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan

Danny Boy - Johnny Cash cover

Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia - Vicki Lawrence

One More Time - Joe Jackson

Hurt - Johnny Cash Cover

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The project is ongoing.

Tonight, I struck a swift, powerful blow against the towering wall of my project.

I watched Son of the Mask.

In its entirety.

Some of my real-time notes:

The museum guards appear to have the same uniforms as the guards from Ernest Goes to Jail.

Six minutes in, and there has been a shit joke, and somebody has been hit in the groin.

Oh fuck he's rapping.

First fart joke: 9:43 pm.

Small chuckle at 9:44. Babies with deep voices crack me up. I feel deep shame.

If my baby began singing and dancing before turning into Woody Woodpecker, I would beat it to death with a lamp.

9:56: I laugh again. I tear out some of my leg hair.

Domestic violence is hilarious.

Loki? Child molester.

Ransom joke. Topical.

His battle gear is the suit from Eddie Murphy: Raw.

Watching the credits, I realize that Kal Penn was playing a Mexican.

Expect the review in the next week, they should come faster after that. Not that you care.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

My project.

I will be watching and reviewing every single English-language comic book film which meets my criteria. The restrictions are as follows:

No serials.
No pilots, failed backdoor pilots on a case-by-case basis. (IE, no Witchblade, but Generation X or Nick Fury will probably be fine.)
TV movies only if they are stand-alone. This means that unfortunately, I can't review the Hulk TV movies, because they are just part of the series.
No animated films.
The film must be based on a comic book, not a franchise which happened to become a comic book. (IE, no Timecop or Aliens vs. Predator)
I won't review anything I absolutely can't find, but I will call upon all of my resources to find things.

The master list, subject to addition or subtraction (From Wikipedia):

30 Days of Night (2007) X
300 (2007) X
American Splendor (2003)
Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again (1990)
Art School Confidential (2006)
Barb Wire (1996)
Batman (1966) X
Batman (1989) X
Batman Returns (1992) X
Batman Forever (1995) X
Batman & Robin (1997) X
Batman Begins (2005) X
The Dark Knight (2008) X
Blade (1998) X
Blade II (2002) X
Blade: Trinity (2004) X
Bulletproof Monk (2003)
Captain America (1979, TV movie)
Captain America II: Death Too Soon (1979, TV movie)
Captain America (1991)
Catwoman (2004)
Constantine (2005) X
The Crow (1994) X
The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
The Crow: Salvation (2000)
The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)
Daredevil (2003) X
Dr. Strange (1978, TV movie)
Elektra (2005)
The Fantastic Four (1994)
Fantastic Four (2005)
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) X
Faust: Love of the Damned (2001)
From Hell (2001)
G-Men from Hell (2000)
Generation X (1996, TV movie) X
Ghost Rider (2007) X
Ghost World (2001) X
Hellboy (2004) X
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008) X
A History of Violence (2005) X
Howard the Duck (1986)
Hulk (2003) X
The Incredible Hulk (2008) X
Iron Man (2008) X
Josie and the Pussycats (2001) X
Judge Dredd (1995) X
Justice League of America (1997, TV pilot)
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003) X
Man-Thing (2005)
The Mask (1994) X
Son of the Mask (2005)
Men in Black (1997) X
Men in Black II (2002) X
Monkeybone (2001)
El Muerto (2005)
Mystery Men (1999) X
Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (1998, TV movie) X
Power Pack (1991, TV movie)
The Punisher (1989) X
The Punisher (2004) X
Punisher: War Zone (2008)X
Red Sonja (1985)
Ri¢hie Ri¢h (1994)
Richie Rich's Christmas Wish (1998)
Road to Perdition (2002) X
The Rocketeer (1991) X
Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1997)
The Shadow (1994) X
Sheena (1984)
Sin City (2005) X
Spawn (1997) X
Spider-Man (2002) X
Spider-Man 2 (2004) X
Spider-Man 3 (2007) X
The Spirit (2008)
Steel (1997) X
Supergirl (1984)
Superman and the Mole Men (1951)
Superman (1978) X
Superman II (1981) X
Superman III (1983) X
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
Superman Returns (2006) X
Swamp Thing (1982) X
The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)
Tales from the Crypt (1972)
Tank Girl (1995) X
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) X
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991) X
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
Timecop (1994) X
Timecop 2: The Berlin Decision (2003)
Up in Flames (1973)
V for Vendetta (2006) X
Vampirella (1996)
The Vault of Horror (1973)
Virus (1999)
Wanted (2008)
Watchmen (2009) X
X-Men (2000) X
X2 (2003) X
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) X
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) X

Those I've already seen are marked with X's, but I plan to re-watch before reviewing, since I watched most of them before puberty.

This will continue and be a feature on the blog for a long time, I suppose.

Monday, April 27, 2009


I live in the past. IM logs are the devil's own device. My eye is trying to escape and take most of my skull along with it. Somebody just fuckin' shoot me and stop this headache.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Signed With Initials

Originally titled "The Friend Zone", a title which later went to an entirely different story. A more descriptive title would be "Emo High", but fuck you, this title means something to me. Written in Fall of 2008. I'm not usually in the habit of asking non-rhetorical questions in this blog, but feedback is highly appreciated, either positive or critical, so what do you think?

I know that when you tell me it’s you, it’s me. The cliches abound. You don’t want to involve me in the drama of your life, you tell me. I’m a very nice guy, you wish me the best of luck in life, and I’m going to find somebody, someday. The implication that “somebody” could never be you is clear. You tell me this condescending bullshit with a pouty face; for a moment I wonder if you believe what you’re spouting or if you’re simply going through the motions of establishing the “friend zone.” I’m sure that this isn’t the first time you’ve done this, you appeal to the kind of man who can never have you and your words seem almost rehearsed. You make sure to emphasize my good qualities, few though they may be. You're so smart, you tell me. You try for humor and tell me that chicks dig brainy guys. You speak at length while I fiddle with the pen in my fingers and try not to scan the parking lot, absent anything else to do or anything to say. If I tell you the truth, that I’d gladly handle any baggage you bring, I become pushy and obsessive in your eyes. That isn’t far from the truth, frankly, but it’s not conducive to a working friendship. I don’t aim to burn any bridges, so I voicelessly endure the litany of reasons why it’s your fault you don’t want to be with me, while I click my pen and lick my lips and try not to look as empty as I feel.
You spoil what had been a fairly clean dismissal with a few simple words at the end, an afterthought better left unsaid. You tell me that you have feelings for me and my stomach drops. Before you can go on, I stop you cold. I say, you shouldn’t have told me that. I wish you hadn’t told me that. I can barely get the words out; they’re very unsteady, but I make them clear enough to understand. I finally work up the gumption to look into your eyes and I see frustration creep in. No doubt, you think that you were doing me a service by validating my feelings and that I should quit while I’m ahead, while you still want to remain friends. When you ask what I mean by that; I want to be quiet; I want to restrain myself and tell you that it’s just hard and confusing for me and that I really appreciate what you’re doing. I don’t do that. I instead tell you in a steady voice that I wish you didn’t feel the need to lie to me. Your forehead crinkles and your eyes narrow, your mouth comes ajar and your face is angrier than I’ve ever seen it. Red creeps into your skin. I reflexively flinch when you step toward me, big tough man that I am. You grab my ridiculous hair and kiss me so hard that our teeth clack together painfully. You wipe your mouth and storm toward your car. I follow, but your legs are longer and with the head start, you’re in your car before I’m within twenty feet. Days later, I realize that if I had yelled to you that my gum was still on your dash, I very well could have made you laugh and maybe our first kiss wouldn’t have been our last.

I have given up.

Fuck you, guitar. It's been MONTHS, and I am hardly better than when I started.