Son of the Mask - review

Coming soon. Because I'm a lazy prick. Plus a real reason: I will watch The Mask proper for the first time in several years, because apparently Ben Stein was in the first one, which indicates to me that it's been too long since I've seen the first one to properly review the sequel.

If you absolutely have to know what I think, though, and I know you do, the following should suffice.


1. Toilet humor hasn't been funny since the 1980's. Everybody was doing coke at the time.

2.

+

=

Playlist - The Essential Old Sad Bastard

A work in progress. Songs about unrequited love, loss, anger, pain, and general malaise. A lot of these are a bit modern for my taste, but I've just really gotten into music in the past few years. Considering the music I had around when most people get into music, you shouldn't blame me.

Lost Cause - Beck

Back in Your Head - Tegan and Sara

Bang Bang - Nancy Sinatra cover

How to Disappear Completely - Radiohead

Losing My Religion - REM

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley cover

Jolene - Dolly Parton

True Romance - She Wants Revenge

Cat's in the Cradle - Harry Chapin

Superstar - The Carpenters

Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles

Hotel California - The Eagles

Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan

Danny Boy - Johnny Cash cover

Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia - Vicki Lawrence

One More Time - Joe Jackson

Hurt - Johnny Cash Cover

The project is ongoing.

Tonight, I struck a swift, powerful blow against the towering wall of my project.

I watched Son of the Mask.

In its entirety.

Some of my real-time notes:


The museum guards appear to have the same uniforms as the guards from Ernest Goes to Jail.

Six minutes in, and there has been a shit joke, and somebody has been hit in the groin.

Oh fuck he's rapping.

First fart joke: 9:43 pm.

Small chuckle at 9:44. Babies with deep voices crack me up. I feel deep shame.

If my baby began singing and dancing before turning into Woody Woodpecker, I would beat it to death with a lamp.

9:56: I laugh again. I tear out some of my leg hair.

Domestic violence is hilarious.

Loki? Child molester.

Ransom joke. Topical.

His battle gear is the suit from Eddie Murphy: Raw.

Watching the credits, I realize that Kal Penn was playing a Mexican.


Expect the review in the next week, they should come faster after that. Not that you care.

My project.

I will be watching and reviewing every single English-language comic book film which meets my criteria. The restrictions are as follows:

No serials.
No pilots, failed backdoor pilots on a case-by-case basis. (IE, no Witchblade, but Generation X or Nick Fury will probably be fine.)
TV movies only if they are stand-alone. This means that unfortunately, I can't review the Hulk TV movies, because they are just part of the series.
No animated films.
The film must be based on a comic book, not a franchise which happened to become a comic book. (IE, no Timecop or Aliens vs. Predator)
I won't review anything I absolutely can't find, but I will call upon all of my resources to find things.


The master list, subject to addition or subtraction (From Wikipedia):


30 Days of Night (2007) X
300 (2007) X
American Splendor (2003)
Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again (1990)
Art School Confidential (2006)
Barb Wire (1996)
Batman (1966) X
Batman (1989) X
Batman Returns (1992) X
Batman Forever (1995) X
Batman & Robin (1997) X
Batman Begins (2005) X
The Dark Knight (2008) X
Blade (1998) X
Blade II (2002) X
Blade: Trinity (2004) X
Bulletproof Monk (2003)
Captain America (1979, TV movie)
Captain America II: Death Too Soon (1979, TV movie)
Captain America (1991)
Catwoman (2004)
Constantine (2005) X
The Crow (1994) X
The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
The Crow: Salvation (2000)
The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)
Daredevil (2003) X
Dr. Strange (1978, TV movie)
Elektra (2005)
The Fantastic Four (1994)
Fantastic Four (2005)
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) X
Faust: Love of the Damned (2001)
From Hell (2001)
G-Men from Hell (2000)
Generation X (1996, TV movie) X
Ghost Rider (2007) X
Ghost World (2001) X
Hellboy (2004) X
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008) X
A History of Violence (2005) X
Howard the Duck (1986)
Hulk (2003) X
The Incredible Hulk (2008) X
Iron Man (2008) X
Josie and the Pussycats (2001) X
Judge Dredd (1995) X
Justice League of America (1997, TV pilot)
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003) X
Man-Thing (2005)
The Mask (1994) X
Son of the Mask (2005)
Men in Black (1997) X
Men in Black II (2002) X
Monkeybone (2001)
El Muerto (2005)
Mystery Men (1999) X
Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (1998, TV movie) X
Power Pack (1991, TV movie)
The Punisher (1989) X
The Punisher (2004) X
Punisher: War Zone (2008)X
Red Sonja (1985)
Ri¢hie Ri¢h (1994)
Richie Rich's Christmas Wish (1998)
Road to Perdition (2002) X
The Rocketeer (1991) X
Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1997)
The Shadow (1994) X
Sheena (1984)
Sin City (2005) X
Spawn (1997) X
Spider-Man (2002) X
Spider-Man 2 (2004) X
Spider-Man 3 (2007) X
The Spirit (2008)
Steel (1997) X
Supergirl (1984)
Superman and the Mole Men (1951)
Superman (1978) X
Superman II (1981) X
Superman III (1983) X
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
Superman Returns (2006) X
Swamp Thing (1982) X
The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)
Tales from the Crypt (1972)
Tank Girl (1995) X
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) X
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991) X
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
Timecop (1994) X
Timecop 2: The Berlin Decision (2003)
Up in Flames (1973)
V for Vendetta (2006) X
Vampirella (1996)
The Vault of Horror (1973)
Virus (1999)
Wanted (2008)
Watchmen (2009) X
X-Men (2000) X
X2 (2003) X
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) X
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) X



Those I've already seen are marked with X's, but I plan to re-watch before reviewing, since I watched most of them before puberty.



This will continue and be a feature on the blog for a long time, I suppose.

FFFFFFFUUUUUU-

I live in the past. IM logs are the devil's own device. My eye is trying to escape and take most of my skull along with it. Somebody just fuckin' shoot me and stop this headache.

Signed With Initials

Originally titled "The Friend Zone", a title which later went to an entirely different story. A more descriptive title would be "Emo High", but fuck you, this title means something to me. Written in Fall of 2008. I'm not usually in the habit of asking non-rhetorical questions in this blog, but feedback is highly appreciated, either positive or critical, so what do you think?





I know that when you tell me it’s you, it’s me. The cliches abound. You don’t want to involve me in the drama of your life, you tell me. I’m a very nice guy, you wish me the best of luck in life, and I’m going to find somebody, someday. The implication that “somebody” could never be you is clear. You tell me this condescending bullshit with a pouty face; for a moment I wonder if you believe what you’re spouting or if you’re simply going through the motions of establishing the “friend zone.” I’m sure that this isn’t the first time you’ve done this, you appeal to the kind of man who can never have you and your words seem almost rehearsed. You make sure to emphasize my good qualities, few though they may be. You're so smart, you tell me. You try for humor and tell me that chicks dig brainy guys. You speak at length while I fiddle with the pen in my fingers and try not to scan the parking lot, absent anything else to do or anything to say. If I tell you the truth, that I’d gladly handle any baggage you bring, I become pushy and obsessive in your eyes. That isn’t far from the truth, frankly, but it’s not conducive to a working friendship. I don’t aim to burn any bridges, so I voicelessly endure the litany of reasons why it’s your fault you don’t want to be with me, while I click my pen and lick my lips and try not to look as empty as I feel.
You spoil what had been a fairly clean dismissal with a few simple words at the end, an afterthought better left unsaid. You tell me that you have feelings for me and my stomach drops. Before you can go on, I stop you cold. I say, you shouldn’t have told me that. I wish you hadn’t told me that. I can barely get the words out; they’re very unsteady, but I make them clear enough to understand. I finally work up the gumption to look into your eyes and I see frustration creep in. No doubt, you think that you were doing me a service by validating my feelings and that I should quit while I’m ahead, while you still want to remain friends. When you ask what I mean by that; I want to be quiet; I want to restrain myself and tell you that it’s just hard and confusing for me and that I really appreciate what you’re doing. I don’t do that. I instead tell you in a steady voice that I wish you didn’t feel the need to lie to me. Your forehead crinkles and your eyes narrow, your mouth comes ajar and your face is angrier than I’ve ever seen it. Red creeps into your skin. I reflexively flinch when you step toward me, big tough man that I am. You grab my ridiculous hair and kiss me so hard that our teeth clack together painfully. You wipe your mouth and storm toward your car. I follow, but your legs are longer and with the head start, you’re in your car before I’m within twenty feet. Days later, I realize that if I had yelled to you that my gum was still on your dash, I very well could have made you laugh and maybe our first kiss wouldn’t have been our last.

I have given up.

Fuck you, guitar. It's been MONTHS, and I am hardly better than when I started.

I can't stop singing it.

Idiocy which I sort of hope nobody reads.

I was ditched last Friday on a date with firecrotch. After about an hour, she told me to sit tight and went to speak with her ex, who had just arrived. Ten minutes later, a friend of hers who I know tells me that she just saw them leave in his car. I drive home and drink myself into a rage.

Time passes, she doesn't quite realize why I'm so mad. She thinks that it's jealousy (instead of the fact that she fucking ditched me); that when we slept together, I felt a connection. I relieve her of this misconception, but she ends the night by telling me that she DID feel a connection, and that she thinks I did too.

We talk more this week. Friendliness creeps in. She offers to come over, asks if I want to hang out.

I sent a text to the FC tonight, asking her to come over and help me with my term paper. By which I meant, casual hate sex. The message didn't send because I barely ever have a signal inside my house. I didn't resend it. All I would have to do is tell her that I too felt a connection, and I am nearly certain I could have had sex tonight.

I have fallen for the less pretty, less smart, corny-as-hell romantic, 40 year old. Times, they are a changing. Or maybe not. Because, let's face it, kids, Lisa is the sister-in-law I had a crush on for years mixed with the ex-not-quite-girlfriend-who-I-loved-very-much I confide in these days. Am I really dating her, or am I dating those two by proxy? The more I fall for her, the more I begin to worry that it's just Christina and Amy I'm falling for all over again. The deeper I go, the more important the question becomes, and the less sure I am of the answer.

It hurt both more and less than I thought it would. Not the sudden, drooping, raging depression of last time. More of a black greasy feeling. So I've grown. Not much, but some.

One day, I will have the courage/stupidity to be utterly frank in my blogging. Until then, I leave you with a short selection of things I didn't create but which I feel connected to.

Because it's slow and pretty.

Because it's poppy and dumb.

Because it's excellently done.

Because I'm emo.

Because Joaquin may be a crazy bastard these days, but he can direct a video.

Because it is my new philosophy. James is a showtune, for instance. Kate is something sinister and orchestral. Taylor is a Spice Girls reunion song. Lisa is a poppy single on a rom-com.

My favorite movies, in no particular order, and other shit nobody cares about.

I realize that many of these are less than a decade old. I don't care, fuck you, it's my list. At least I don't have any Pirates of the Caribbean films. I don't subscribe to the theory that something has to age to be considered great; a good movie is a good movie. I've seen a lot of movies, I have no way to accurately state how many but I would guess several hundred. This is based purely on my VHS/DVD collection, which is pretty large for poor white trash. I've seen movies people consider great, from most all decades. I haven't seen what Roger Ebert calls the "official answer" for greatest film of all time, Citizen Kane. I haven't seen very much pre-war cinema, and only a bit from the 50's and 60's. The majority of my viewing centers on the late 70's to mid 90's. I'm no professional critic, I just like them. Later on, I will post a guilty pleasures list, which is a heck of a lot less contemporary than this one.

The Wizard of Oz

Stalag 17

Aliens

The Big Lebowski

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Casino Royale

The Shawshank Redemption

The Dark Knight

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Superbad

Saving Private Ryan

A quick note on the present.

My last post was about women of the past, here is one about the women of the present.

Went on three dates last week, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Names are used, because, honestly, the people who read this will probably never meet the people I'm talking about

Lisa was a delight on Thursday. We talked about our lives. We drank. She, being half my size, got rather tipsy and began singing in her highly pleasing voice. Morning Train, at my request. It was hot.

Kayla was nearly as self-involved as I am. I was bored then, but really, how can I begrudge her obsession with herself when I am such a posterboy for egotism? She really seemed to have a good time.

Bekah. So much fun. We got smashed. Her friend was driving us to my house, but couldn't understand my directions. We decided to walk the short distance left. She was stumbly, so I gave her a piggyback ride. Upon arrival, we did finger painting and other neat activities. It was rad.

None of the three are dating me exclusively, so I feel fairly okay with dating them all at once. For now, anyway. I think I may soon reach the point, however, where I like one of them too much to date other women. Which one, though? The cougar, the milquetoast, or the firecrotch? How soon until I edit this post heavily when I decide to show the blog to one of them?

Jealousy? In my romantic life? It's more likely than you think.

I am jealous of my Amy's boycrush. I have the sneaking suspicion she is jealous of my girlcrush(es). She says "bitch" every time I mention them doing something which endears them to me. The beautiful, drunken singing of one. The late-night drunken indiscretions with the other. Lots of drunken, thinking about it. But then, considering that I am differently-abled when it comes to looks, I can't exactly blame them. I guess what I'm trying to say here is, I've made a few gestures toward Amy since we've started speaking again, and they were not returned, so neither of us are beholden to the other.
(There is also the distinct, even likely possibility that my suspicions are ego driven nonsense.)

I am even more jealous of my ex-wife's boycrush.

I hadn't spoken to Kate in a long time (for us, anyway) until recently. She called me last week and asked when our son's spring break was, and if he would be interested in spending it with her. It broke my heart in no small way to tell her that it had been the week before. They rarely get to spend time together, after all. I arranged for my younger brother to drive his nephew to Albuquerque, to spend a long weekend with Kate. A good time was had by all, apparently. Kate has been more open with me recently, apparently deciding to ignore the huge unpleasant mess from the beginning of the year which began our short estrangement. We've been talking, at the very least. Today, she called me and we spoke for over two hours. It was nice. I love Kate in the sense that I care very deeply about what happens to her, if not in the romantic sense. Apparently, she's been dating a new boy pretty much since we broke things off in January, and it's gotten quite serious... John gave him the once-over, and says that he is not an asshole. I have trouble believing this, since I don't think Kate has ever, ever dated a nice guy.

Why am I jealous of people I don't even know, who are making people I very much like happy?

1,000:1 - I am fairly certain that these new boys are Illuminatus.

500:1 - I think that I could give either of them a better life than their boycrushes.

200:1 - I would like to initiate a threesome at some point in the future.

100:1 - I have a big brother instinct, which demands that I protect my friends from outsiders.

10:1 - I have not-so-suppressed feelings for both women which I'm (vaguely) hiding from them.

2:1 - I hate any attention which isn't directed toward me.

EVEN MONEY - I am a posessive prick.

Fifteen Honest Facts

1. I tell people I am a bad parent, but I secretly think that I'm getting pretty good at it.

2. I blame the girls, always, even if I messed up too.

3. I miss Kate, sure, but I mostly miss Mary. Which is a good example of why we aren't speaking.

4. I hate school. I'm only going because I think I'll have a better chance at getting a job if I have a degree.

5. I can't help but be depressed when I talk to the woman I may or may not love.

6.A few of the moderators at the Cracked forums are dickholes, a fact which I note despite never having drawn their ire. On a related note, I spend too much time on the Cracked forums.

7. I care entirely too much about what people think of me.

8. I am nothing like Mr. Darcy, despite what some people say. I'm an asshole who comes off as a good guy.

9. There are three women I would have at one point gladly married (not all at once), and who would never have me.

10. I will probably never work up the gumption to fix this blog up.

11. I would probably be severely homophobic if my best friend wasn't gay.

12. I bought a guitar because I liked Guitar Hero. I kept practicing because of Amy. I keep practicing now because I can't stand being terrible.

13. I can hold a mean grudge, over several years.

14. I live in constant, overwhelming fear that I'll inherit MS.

15. I like to pretend that I'm a smart guy who acts like a dumb guy. I am beginning to suspect that the opposite is true.

Notes on the "unpolished writing" tag.

As you may have noticed, a lot of entries have the "unpolished writing" tag. As you may have also noticed, a lot of this blog is shit. The two aren't necessarily related, sure, but they're supposed to be. "Unpolished writing" means that I finished the entry in one sitting and remain highly unsatisfied with it. It will be taken off when I have corrected or added or omitted whatever. After that, the only excuse I have left for the shittiness is my lack of talent.

The friend zone is a diabolical necessity, and The Great (Attempted) Escape.

Women are thought to have invented it in the 1860's, during the ravages of the Civil War. Naturally, military men were everywhere, and several of them were missing limbs. Hotties of the Civil War period were in a bad situation. It would be rude to outright deny the armless, legless, and earless their love, but at the same time, ew. Thus, the friend zone. For those of you who were popular in high school and continued to melt the inhibitions of women well into your adult life, or those who generally don't speak to women, I'll explain the friend zone.

The friend zone is when a woman (or hey, man, who knows?) begins to classify a man as an absolutely platonic figure in her life, while the man in question has romantic feelings. When a woman puts a man in the Zone, she will often string him along, unintentionally or otherwise. Invariably, they will date asshole men, who are nonetheless far preferable to her cronies in the Zone. (With good reason) Women are driven by instinct to seek a superior male specimen, and if you've been on the internet for more than an hour before reading this, you clearly aren't a superior specimen. More likely, you're shy and deferential when a woman speaks to you. (I'm certainly not going to offer dating advice; I'm the least believable source on the subject I can imagine. I will only say that this behavior generally only appeals to women who have been endlessly jerked around by more attractive, interesting men and have (temporarily) grown tired of the lifestyle. But I digress.) Men who aren't labeled as possible mates are filed away into the friend zone, no matter the sincerity or intensity of romantic feelings on the part of the male. The friend zone is nigh-impossible to escape, unless you suddenly become smarter or (more effectively) better looking.

Now, the friend zone can be used as a tool for good. Some guys are just not boyfriend material. Lacking social grace and holding loyalty to a woman only because of her tits and smile, these morose bastards are best suited for duty in the friend zone. They can provide an emergency shoulder for an upset young women, and can often be conned into doing various favors for the woman whose zone they reside in. The main problem here comes from the expectation on the part of the male that these favors mean that the female is indebted to him, in the eternal, universal currency of poontang. Obviously, this is fucking retarded.

We will call this the “Jack” tier of the friend zone.

The F-Zone holds a special place for the ex-lover. Now, this is the most morally ambiguous usage of the friend zone in my opinion. An ex-boyfriend who treated you like shit before the breakup deserves his spot in the zone. Stringing him along, encouraging him, but within moderation...it will drive a man up the walls. This vengeful usage of the friend zone gets high marks, from where I stand. This tier of the zone is highly effective because there is a higher possibility (solely in the mind of the male) of getting a relationship or (more truthfully) sex out of the association, because of the past romance. At the same time, this part of the zone can be used for unintentional evil. Some women, rare though they may be, don't understand that by stringing along an ex-boyfriend they are not sparing his feelings. They are fucking with his head, and might not even know it. If they do know it, they are either a sadistic bitch, or the man deserves the mindfuck, as previously detailed. Another weakness of this tier is that it's the second most escapable. Recidivism is always a risk after a relationship ends anyway, and maintaining a friendship may occasionally lead to feelings developing on the part of the female. The best solution for this is for the exchange of tales about each other's sexual exploits, which will escalate (because naturally each individual wishes to be the one “moving on) to the point that you'll both be disgusted with each other and the feelings will become confused with resentment. This is best, because hurt and angry are the same as happy for smart people (Dr. Who).

We will call this the “Jack” tier also, if it's all the same to you guys.

The next tier is the most boring and certainly the least known to me. This is because it is not really the friend zone. This is where women put men who they very much plan to date/sleep with/ride like a government mule/play pool with when they have a boyfriend. They're often dorky in a Paul Rudd/Zach Levi sort of way, which is to say, not dorky at all. They have social skills, they're fairly attractive, and they often only have to wait until the Biochemical Reaction We Call Love runs its course in the woman's preexisting relationship to get out of the Zone. They will complain to their loser friends about being Zoned, and some of them will smack him upside the head because he has NOT FELT THE PAIN!!!1

We will most certainly not call this the “Jack” tier.


By my count, I reside in the Zone of no less than four women, which means I am just as unattractive and stupid as you think I am, as well as easily giving away affectionate feelings.

On St. Patrick's day, I drunkenly and halfway unintentionally made an attempt to escape the strongest (by far) of these Zones. It worked out as well as you might think.

Tomorrow night, I make a mad fucking dash toward the gates of another Zone. I will either leave as a potential partner or as an asshole, but if I fail, I will be a glorious asshole.

Thoughts.

Toby Young says that love is a biochemical reaction which lasts for approximately 18 months. He neglects to mention that this period is followed by a confused jumble of emotions, including boredom, frustration, and affection which never quite reaches the previous level of intensity.

I suck.

I've had four "major" girlfriends. There's no precise metric for determining a "major" girlfriend, I just consider these women to be those who I think I "loved". This is why the group includes a woman I'm unlikely to ever personally meet, and a woman who I dated for only a short time. I've had several lesser girlfriends, with whom I was certainly in committed relationships, but who never inspired the same kind of emotion from me. I don't intend to compare and contrast these relationships; at different periods each woman made me feel both incredible and worthless.

This is all necessary preface for future entries, but the point I'm getting to right now is this: I get jealous of the men with my ex-girlfriends. It's a stupid, illogical, self-destructive thing, but there you go. I think that perhaps this is because each of my "major" relationships ended in a somewhat unsatisfactory way. My mind tells me that, indeed, I'm not attached to any of these women at present, but I simply can't help but occasionally feel jealous of their new men. For that matter, I get jealous when other men even flirt. Usually, I am mature enough to handle this and not let it become an issue...unless I'm drunk.

Last night, I was drunk. Suffice it to say, friend-love feelings can get mixed up with love-love feelings, especially when Guinness is involved. Unfortunately, I can't count on her own drunkenness erasing her memory of last night, but thankfully, the woman in question doesn't read this blog, so I can be frank in my quasi-anonymous reflections. The fact is, I would totally pursue a romantic relationship with her, if she lived within a day's driving distance. She doesn't, therefore I don't, but I have trouble keeping the bitter ex and lovelorn ex of my psyche from showing their ugly faces during our interaction. The solution isn't complex but it is rather difficult.


I went to a gun show the other day. I've been going to these things since I was just a small boy. I bought a "Guns don't kill people, people kill people" sticker to paste alongside my "Obama 08" sticker. I like gun shows, not just for the wares, but for the people. These are the types I've known all my life. We share a background, if not a philosophy. That's enough for me.

I've hung up my hat as a cougar hunter for the time being. It turns out, when a woman reminds you of your local best friend and an ex-girlfriend, especially the bad parts, the weirdness doesn't stop, it only gets worse.

Things I need to do on this blog.

1. Massively fix up The Dark Side of No Ma'am. I love the idea, but I can barely even read it. It's just so awkwardly phrased, and very hard to tell that the narrator is supposed to be superior-sounding instead of mopey-sounding.

2. Write something new, long, and complete, which is not based off of a life event.

3. Write something interesting.

All the news that's fit to print, and here's hoping I have no familiar female readers.

Last Friday: Giving up the chance to see Watchmen on opening night so that I could date a girl. My inner dweeb was hateful toward me the entire week leading up to it. Girls, he told me, aren't the answer. In the end, the battle between my hidden geek and my underdeveloped avatar of common sense ended with a stunning upset victory. Thus, the date. The object of my infatuation lives in Albuquerque, the only real city in the entire state, and a goodish distance away. 4-5 hours by car, give or take. I arrive, check into my motel, and Lisa's customized ring sounds. I fairly prance to the table I put my phone down on, and answer. We exchange a bit of small talk. She asks if I'm already there. I say yes, and she procedes to cancel on me.

She cancels on me.

She fucking cancels on me!

Five hours! Five!

A close friend she knew from high school was in town for the night, leaving on a flight the next morning. Hadn't seen her in years. The friend wanted to catch up. Lisa obliged. She neglected to ask if I minded. She instead said that she hoped we could see each other maybe Monday night. Now, I can't really be away from home for more than a day and a half. I have mondo responsibilities, even driving 10 hours for consecutive was cutting things a bit too short. Monday is the night before I have class. So no, I couldn't see her that week. I somewhat coldly said goodbye, and pondered my choices. I could either A. Stay in the hotel and drink, or B. Drive home so that I could drink. Having something of an affinity for hotels, I went with option A.

I didn't get shitfaced. I'm not even sure buzzed would be proper. At my height and weight, it's damn hard to get drunk. But I sure as heck wasn't sober at around midnight, when Lisa called. She's tipsy, I can tell. She asks if I would like to come over and hang out, have a "first and a half date". Now, naturally, I'm conflicted. I think Lisa is an awesome gal. I am miserably lonely. She could well be offering sex, but I'm frankly not too concerned about that this early in a relationship. I go over.

We drink. We talk. We cuddle on the couch. We watch Grosse Point Blank and Knocked Up. I dig this girl so hard, you don't even know. At 4 or maybe five, she stumbles off of my lap, gives me quite the chaste peck on the lips, and goes to bed, telling me that I'm welcome to sleep on the couch. I am slightly frustrated, but frankly probably too drunk to want or be able to do anything anyway. I drive back the next day, or perhaps more accurately, later that same day.

I spend the entire day ruminating on what I did. Hadn't I just handed her the keys to my mind? She called and I came running, as one friend succinctly put it. She had cancelled on me after a five hour drive, and I forgave her instantly. My sister-in-law, who is in the interest of full disclosure Lisa's sister, told me that I had given up any right to be mad when I went over there that night. This, I think, is a good if extremely woman-like point. Nonetheless, when Lisa called and asked if I'd like to see her on Friday, I told her that I wasn't going to be able to squeeze the drive into my schedule. She then offered to drive herself. I, being something of a prideful moron, say that I just won't have time, and offer a vague and unsupportive "maybe some other time". I beat myself up about this as soon as I do it. I like her. She's the first woman since the heady days of October 06 who I have fallen for so entirely, and so quickly, and I have an inkling that she feels the same.

So she texts me one night. Says, "You were so bullshitting me about not having time, right?". Considerably unsober, as is usual past 9 PM, I respond. "Maybe a bit". She calls me an asshole, I tell her that I don't disagree. She says, "That's okay. I was an asshole too". Now, maybe I have only dated somewhat maniacal women, but I rarely, if ever hear of a woman admitting fault for a relationship misstep, at least, doing so honestly and not to drop the subject or avert an argument. I call her, and it becomes apparent she is drunk and thus was probably honest with her texts.

Tomorrow, she is driving over and I am taking her on a picnic. My area has nothing to do at all, but it does have excellent weather and pretty landscapes. Picnics are neat anyway, and I get a chance to show off my cooking, even if it is just cold fried chicken.

(Hrm. I originally digressed in a highly disturbing fashion, but I've removed that paragraph, having deemed it unnecessary.)


The question here: Is it better to swallow your pride for the sake of infatuation or to stick to your guns in the face of regret and loneliness?

Huh.

Well, that certainly didn't work out.

It's late.

Kate and I didn't work out because we were just kids.

Angie and I didn't work out because I couldn't give her things she needed.

Taylor and I didn't work out because I was too slow for her.

Amy and I didn't work out because I couldn't be there for her.

It's an odd feeling dating Lisa. She strongly reminds me of her sister, who is the closest thing to a sister of my own that I have. This sort of makes things uncomfortable. She strongly reminds me of Amy, who is the most recent "one that got away". This sort of makes things awkward, because I have to ask if I'm just trying to date Amy by proxy.

I like her a lot. I do hope I can make something of this.

Further boredom relief, and a few thoughts.

A survey.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, though my brother is named after me.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A little before Christmas.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It's fuckin' awful.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Pastrami

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yep.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? No, I'm rather undependable and clingy.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? I'm often rather earnest, actually.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Sure.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Fruity Pebbles.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I have zip-up boots, so no.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Vanilla.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Face, followed quickly by hair.

15. RED OR PINK? Red.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Incompetence.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Kate.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? Who is everyone?

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Barefoot and wearing blue boxers, at the moment.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My dog thumping around in his little inside area.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Cornflower blue.

23. FAVORITE SMELL? Meat in the process of being grilled on charcoal.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO? Sissy.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? The person I got this from? No.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Football, though I will occasionally watch baseball.

27. HAIR COLOR? Dark brown.

28. EYE COLOR? Green/gray.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, but maybe I should.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? It changes too often depending on my mood. At the moment, lasagna.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary movies can have happy endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Gray.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter. I can't get enough of it.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses, depending on the person.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? My dear friend Harvey.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Doc.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Paris 1919: Six Months That Changed The World

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I usually use a laptop trackpad. For my desktop, it's the symbol of some Russian technology firm.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? I watched my recorded Chuck and Heroes to free up space on my DVR.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S): The Wizard of Oz soundtrack.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? The Rolling Stones.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? New York, New York.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I will only say that I am very flexible.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Buttfuck, Egypt.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? I would like to see the answers a pooka would give.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? My former spouse, I met in high school. Biology. I flunked. I am currently without a significant other.

49. IS THE CUP HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? What is the liquid?

50. IF YOU COULD SIT DOWN TO DINNER WITH FIVE PEOPLE WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE? James Campbell, Jimmy Carter, Stephen King, Roger Ebert, Guillermo del Toro.


I am about to pursue a relationship with a woman sixteen years my senior. Reactions among my friends and acquaintances have been split precisely along gender lines. Men don't see the issue. Women believe the difference is too large, and will lead to conflicting plans and goals.


There is something interesting about a new crush. It makes me more objective in evaluating others who have had to suffer through my affections. An ex-girlfriend is entirely tolerable and even likable, now that I'm not in unrequited love with her. A young woman for whom I felt vast lust once upon a time is now exposed as boring, snobby, and the slightest bit bitchy.

The older woman in question is my sister-in-law's sister. My sister-in-law, incidentally, is my best friend here in town. She knows that I am not always kind to women, and so we had a frank, adult discussion this afternoon. I really like her sister. I really don't want her to be mad at me. I really don't want to screw up.

Boredom relief

One-word responses

1. Where is your cell phone? Dunno
2. Your significant other? Jack
3. Your hair? Unruly.
4. Your favorite thing? Contentment
5. Your dream last night? Married
6. Your favorite drink? Pepper
7. Your dream/goal? Importance
8. What room you are in? Living
9. Your hobby? Gaming
10. Your fear? Loneliness
11. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Elsewhere.
12. Where were you last night? Home
13. Muffins? Blueberry
14. Wish list item? Boots.
15. Where you grew up? Nowhere
16. Last thing you did? Homework
17. What are you wearing? Slacks
18. Your TV? Fancy.
19. Your pets? Several.
20. Friends? Casual.
21. Your life? Stuck.
22. Your mood? Grumpy.
23. Missing someone? Unfortunately.
24. Car? Dead.
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes.
26. Your favorite store? COAS.
27. Your favorite color? Blue.
28. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier.
29. Last time you cried? December.
30. Who will resend this? James?
31. One place that I go to over and over? School.
32. One person who emails me regularly? Nigerian.
33. Favorite place to eat? Home.
34. Why you participated in this survey? Boredom.
35. What are you doing tonight? Moping.




25 Random Things

1. This past week, I've had three dreams about women I've never met.

2. I may have inadvertently gained a girlfriend this past week.

3. I know that I'm old because game rental prices seem ridiculously high.

4. I'm beginning to realize I'm too old to accomplish very many of the dreams I once had.

5. I don't miss some people I should.

6. I certainly miss people I shouldn't.

7. I regret ever allowing a nude of myself on the internet.

8. I have a severe phobia of eating in public.

9. I am deathly afraid of mice.

10. I have clearly have a thing for older women.

11. I used to be terribly, terribly flexible.

12. When I really thought about it, I figured out that I'm not moving for a better education, but for a larger pool of women.

13. Porn makes me sad.

14. I would sleep with a female professor for a grade, or with a female boss for a promotion, but I tend to think that they'd have to be real hard-up for me to be their target.

15. Current estimates put me at 10-25% homosexuality. I personally estimate my gay-factor to be 15%.

16. I think that The Golden Girls is the best TV show of the 80's.

17. Jack Brooks, Monster Slayer was pretty good for what it was. I would pay double price, however, to see Jack Burton, Monster Slayer in theaters.

18. When my could-be girlfriend asked if I wanted to do anything last night, I told her quite honestly that it was a school night. She should know this, since she teaches there.

19. I haven't spoken to the mother of my son in a month, and I very much doubt if she'll ever speak to me again unless I abandon my principles.

20. I truly think that Sex in the City is at fault for the bitchy, shallow, self-serving attitude of many older (read, 30's+) women these days.

21. I would rather have women be bitchy, shallow, and self-serving than let men walk all over them. Unless of course the man in question is me.

22. When my sister-in-law's sister visits next week, I'm going to put the moves on her. She's 40, but looks as young as the two 30 year olds I've dated recently. If an older woman who pursues younger men is a cougar, what is a younger man who pursues older women?

23. For a 3 week period toward the end of last semester, I thought I might have a future as a writer. I then realized I suck.

24. I sometimes think of leaving to where I want to go, damn the consequences.

25. My son's birth derailed everything I had planned for life. I'm glad.

A,B,C, X, Y, Z, Up, Down, Right, Left, Triangle, Circle, Square, R1, R2, L1, L2, RT, LT, RB, LB, White, Black, LTS, RTS.

A note before I begin:
An astute reader may notice that I have very few games in the pre-PS1/N64 era. I assure you, I think Super Mario Bros. 3 is great. Other games, like Zelda, have not aged particularly well. A lot of times, I simply haven't played or completed a game. I've completed every game on this list, often to a ridiculously detailed degree, with the exception of F-Zero GX, the last level of which is the devil's own. I've never played any Mario Kart game, because I don't like racing games with few exceptions. I've only played Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask to completion so far as Zelda games go, because I'm generally not a fan of fantasy. What I guess I'm getting at here is that a game which is "retro" is not necessarily better for it. Except for Sonic 2. Additionally, I'm very new to the current generation of consoles. I haven't played Fallout 3 or Grand Theft Auto IV, so I can't say much about how they would rank in my personal favorites.

My favorite games, in no particular order.

Suikoden II (PS1): This game will always hold a place in my favorites. It's a pretty compelling story (even if it's lifted straight from the first game), and you have a ton of characters to recruit. 108, to be exact. I lost my first copy to a move, got another for $40, which is a bargain considering it's now usually over $100.

Mass Effect (XB360): It's the video game adaptation of an alternate universe's best series of sci-fi novels. Or perhaps, it's the best sci-fi movie since Aliens. In fact, it's better to list its flaws than spend two pages on what I love about it. 1. There is jarring texture pop-in. I'm not sure if this might be fixed by installing it to my X-Box HDD or not. 2. This game is glitchy. I noticed it more on my second playthrough than on my first. I don't know if it's a result of the scale of the game creating too much work, or just BioWare dropping the ball a bit. Both Knights of the Old Republic games (More on them later) were glitchy, too.
Honorable Mention:
Knights of the Old Republic 1 & 2: Knights of the Old Republic was instantly one of the best games available when it came out. Very neat story, tons of detail and side-quests, and with enough influence from the first movie to make it familiar. Knights of the Old Republic 2 could have been the best game to come out on the XBox...could have been. The game was rushed to release for the holiday season, and I mean a lot. The final product shows flashes of brilliance, but is held down by terrible glitches and awkward shortcuts. I.E., the first game has a level where you require an environmental suit. You are slow as fuck in this level. In the second game, you have a few moments where you need to use a space suit. The suit is the same, of course, and you can excuse that. However, instead of say, changing the animation as they did for all of the attacks in the game, they simply sped up the animation, which looks terribly awkward. A door which was supposed to lead to a droid factory can't even be opened. A Jedi who you were supposed to meet on a droid planet is instead found dead as an afterthought in an unrelated planet. But enough about what could have been.

Snatcher(Sega CD): It liberally borrows from Terminator and Blade Runner, while chock-full of other film and video game references. Sure, it's pretty basic, but...come on! Rick Deckard vs. Terminators! Another game worth well over $100 in its Sega CD form. I spent several weeks finding and downloading the necessary emulator, BIOS, and ROM on a 56k connection, so you can't really say I didn't pay for it.

Ocarina of Time (N64): Amazing all around. Not much to say other than that. I am only a little ashamed to admit that I stole this game from a video store just before a move.

Super Mario 64 (N64): Extremely clever and well-done. I let a woman from work borrow this game for her kid...9 years ago. She moved, and I could beat her with a stick if I ever saw her again.

Super Mario World (SNES): I loooooove this game so much, you don't even know. I borrowed it from a friend for several weeks in the early 90's, and practically cried when he asked for it back. A few years ago, when my computer had kicked the bucket and a friend lent me an old one, it had an SNES emulator, and this was the only ROM he had. Needless to say, I spent several hours a day playing it, since it was the only game that old piece of junk could run besides Doom II.

F-Zero GX (GC): This fucker is hard. I mean fuckin' super hard. I got a lot of shit from friends about going the Gamecube route when it came to the sixth console generation. Really, they were probably right. But whenever somebody would say, Gamecube is a kiddy system, I would bring up F-Zero GX. I've been playing games since I was five, and this is quite possibly the most difficult game I've ever played.

Starcraft (PC): It's what, 12 years later? The game still holds up in the most important ways. Great story and great balance. Eleventy billion Koreans can't be wrong. It seems like I've bought the "War Chest" with Starcraft and Brood War every couple of years, after losing either the disk or product code.
-Honorable Mention:
Age of Empires II (PC): I'm a history buff, so there's that. There's also making Samurai fight Vikings. So yeah.

WWF No Mercy (N64): This game came out when the WWF was still the WWF, yet it manages to remain the best wrestling game ever made. What started with WCW World Tour was perfected by No Mercy. Incredible character customization, huge roster, and great replay value. My little brother, when he was barely a teenager, knew about this game when I didn't and made me buy it for him. Well played, little man. Well played.
-Honorable Mention:
WWF/E? Smackdown (PS2): Here Comes The Pain - It allows you to do probably even more than No Mercy does, but it is not quite so user-friendly and the create-a-wrestler is less robust.

Bioshock (XB360): One of only two current-gen games on the list. Amazing production values, and fantastic story. Intuitive controls, and the game gives you the right balance between "I'm going to fuck you up because I have exploding shotgun shells and shoot electricity from my hands! I AM AS ZEUS!" and "Oh, fuck me! Quit shooting! Who turned out the lights? I set him on fire and he's still shooting me with rivets!". Its only big flaw is the lack of replay value. You can either kill or rescue the little sisters. That's about it. It would be better with a New Game+, but unfortunately, the 360 doesn't have a New Game+.

Kingdom Hearts 1 & 2 (PS2): I'm putting them together because their appeal is linked. KH2 is probably the better game, but has a slightly incoherent storyline. I love Disney, and didn't realize how much until I would chuckle or smile at the cameos. The combat is a little weak in the first game, but it has much better villains. Very good graphics, for the generation.