Idiocy which I sort of hope nobody reads.

I was ditched last Friday on a date with firecrotch. After about an hour, she told me to sit tight and went to speak with her ex, who had just arrived. Ten minutes later, a friend of hers who I know tells me that she just saw them leave in his car. I drive home and drink myself into a rage.

Time passes, she doesn't quite realize why I'm so mad. She thinks that it's jealousy (instead of the fact that she fucking ditched me); that when we slept together, I felt a connection. I relieve her of this misconception, but she ends the night by telling me that she DID feel a connection, and that she thinks I did too.

We talk more this week. Friendliness creeps in. She offers to come over, asks if I want to hang out.

I sent a text to the FC tonight, asking her to come over and help me with my term paper. By which I meant, casual hate sex. The message didn't send because I barely ever have a signal inside my house. I didn't resend it. All I would have to do is tell her that I too felt a connection, and I am nearly certain I could have had sex tonight.

I have fallen for the less pretty, less smart, corny-as-hell romantic, 40 year old. Times, they are a changing. Or maybe not. Because, let's face it, kids, Lisa is the sister-in-law I had a crush on for years mixed with the ex-not-quite-girlfriend-who-I-loved-very-much I confide in these days. Am I really dating her, or am I dating those two by proxy? The more I fall for her, the more I begin to worry that it's just Christina and Amy I'm falling for all over again. The deeper I go, the more important the question becomes, and the less sure I am of the answer.

It hurt both more and less than I thought it would. Not the sudden, drooping, raging depression of last time. More of a black greasy feeling. So I've grown. Not much, but some.

One day, I will have the courage/stupidity to be utterly frank in my blogging. Until then, I leave you with a short selection of things I didn't create but which I feel connected to.

Because it's slow and pretty.

Because it's poppy and dumb.

Because it's excellently done.

Because I'm emo.

Because Joaquin may be a crazy bastard these days, but he can direct a video.

Because it is my new philosophy. James is a showtune, for instance. Kate is something sinister and orchestral. Taylor is a Spice Girls reunion song. Lisa is a poppy single on a rom-com.

The friend zone is a diabolical necessity, and The Great (Attempted) Escape.

Women are thought to have invented it in the 1860's, during the ravages of the Civil War. Naturally, military men were everywhere, and several of them were missing limbs. Hotties of the Civil War period were in a bad situation. It would be rude to outright deny the armless, legless, and earless their love, but at the same time, ew. Thus, the friend zone. For those of you who were popular in high school and continued to melt the inhibitions of women well into your adult life, or those who generally don't speak to women, I'll explain the friend zone.

The friend zone is when a woman (or hey, man, who knows?) begins to classify a man as an absolutely platonic figure in her life, while the man in question has romantic feelings. When a woman puts a man in the Zone, she will often string him along, unintentionally or otherwise. Invariably, they will date asshole men, who are nonetheless far preferable to her cronies in the Zone. (With good reason) Women are driven by instinct to seek a superior male specimen, and if you've been on the internet for more than an hour before reading this, you clearly aren't a superior specimen. More likely, you're shy and deferential when a woman speaks to you. (I'm certainly not going to offer dating advice; I'm the least believable source on the subject I can imagine. I will only say that this behavior generally only appeals to women who have been endlessly jerked around by more attractive, interesting men and have (temporarily) grown tired of the lifestyle. But I digress.) Men who aren't labeled as possible mates are filed away into the friend zone, no matter the sincerity or intensity of romantic feelings on the part of the male. The friend zone is nigh-impossible to escape, unless you suddenly become smarter or (more effectively) better looking.

Now, the friend zone can be used as a tool for good. Some guys are just not boyfriend material. Lacking social grace and holding loyalty to a woman only because of her tits and smile, these morose bastards are best suited for duty in the friend zone. They can provide an emergency shoulder for an upset young women, and can often be conned into doing various favors for the woman whose zone they reside in. The main problem here comes from the expectation on the part of the male that these favors mean that the female is indebted to him, in the eternal, universal currency of poontang. Obviously, this is fucking retarded.

We will call this the “Jack” tier of the friend zone.

The F-Zone holds a special place for the ex-lover. Now, this is the most morally ambiguous usage of the friend zone in my opinion. An ex-boyfriend who treated you like shit before the breakup deserves his spot in the zone. Stringing him along, encouraging him, but within moderation...it will drive a man up the walls. This vengeful usage of the friend zone gets high marks, from where I stand. This tier of the zone is highly effective because there is a higher possibility (solely in the mind of the male) of getting a relationship or (more truthfully) sex out of the association, because of the past romance. At the same time, this part of the zone can be used for unintentional evil. Some women, rare though they may be, don't understand that by stringing along an ex-boyfriend they are not sparing his feelings. They are fucking with his head, and might not even know it. If they do know it, they are either a sadistic bitch, or the man deserves the mindfuck, as previously detailed. Another weakness of this tier is that it's the second most escapable. Recidivism is always a risk after a relationship ends anyway, and maintaining a friendship may occasionally lead to feelings developing on the part of the female. The best solution for this is for the exchange of tales about each other's sexual exploits, which will escalate (because naturally each individual wishes to be the one “moving on) to the point that you'll both be disgusted with each other and the feelings will become confused with resentment. This is best, because hurt and angry are the same as happy for smart people (Dr. Who).

We will call this the “Jack” tier also, if it's all the same to you guys.

The next tier is the most boring and certainly the least known to me. This is because it is not really the friend zone. This is where women put men who they very much plan to date/sleep with/ride like a government mule/play pool with when they have a boyfriend. They're often dorky in a Paul Rudd/Zach Levi sort of way, which is to say, not dorky at all. They have social skills, they're fairly attractive, and they often only have to wait until the Biochemical Reaction We Call Love runs its course in the woman's preexisting relationship to get out of the Zone. They will complain to their loser friends about being Zoned, and some of them will smack him upside the head because he has NOT FELT THE PAIN!!!1

We will most certainly not call this the “Jack” tier.


By my count, I reside in the Zone of no less than four women, which means I am just as unattractive and stupid as you think I am, as well as easily giving away affectionate feelings.

On St. Patrick's day, I drunkenly and halfway unintentionally made an attempt to escape the strongest (by far) of these Zones. It worked out as well as you might think.

Tomorrow night, I make a mad fucking dash toward the gates of another Zone. I will either leave as a potential partner or as an asshole, but if I fail, I will be a glorious asshole.

Boredom relief

One-word responses

1. Where is your cell phone? Dunno
2. Your significant other? Jack
3. Your hair? Unruly.
4. Your favorite thing? Contentment
5. Your dream last night? Married
6. Your favorite drink? Pepper
7. Your dream/goal? Importance
8. What room you are in? Living
9. Your hobby? Gaming
10. Your fear? Loneliness
11. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Elsewhere.
12. Where were you last night? Home
13. Muffins? Blueberry
14. Wish list item? Boots.
15. Where you grew up? Nowhere
16. Last thing you did? Homework
17. What are you wearing? Slacks
18. Your TV? Fancy.
19. Your pets? Several.
20. Friends? Casual.
21. Your life? Stuck.
22. Your mood? Grumpy.
23. Missing someone? Unfortunately.
24. Car? Dead.
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes.
26. Your favorite store? COAS.
27. Your favorite color? Blue.
28. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier.
29. Last time you cried? December.
30. Who will resend this? James?
31. One place that I go to over and over? School.
32. One person who emails me regularly? Nigerian.
33. Favorite place to eat? Home.
34. Why you participated in this survey? Boredom.
35. What are you doing tonight? Moping.




25 Random Things

1. This past week, I've had three dreams about women I've never met.

2. I may have inadvertently gained a girlfriend this past week.

3. I know that I'm old because game rental prices seem ridiculously high.

4. I'm beginning to realize I'm too old to accomplish very many of the dreams I once had.

5. I don't miss some people I should.

6. I certainly miss people I shouldn't.

7. I regret ever allowing a nude of myself on the internet.

8. I have a severe phobia of eating in public.

9. I am deathly afraid of mice.

10. I have clearly have a thing for older women.

11. I used to be terribly, terribly flexible.

12. When I really thought about it, I figured out that I'm not moving for a better education, but for a larger pool of women.

13. Porn makes me sad.

14. I would sleep with a female professor for a grade, or with a female boss for a promotion, but I tend to think that they'd have to be real hard-up for me to be their target.

15. Current estimates put me at 10-25% homosexuality. I personally estimate my gay-factor to be 15%.

16. I think that The Golden Girls is the best TV show of the 80's.

17. Jack Brooks, Monster Slayer was pretty good for what it was. I would pay double price, however, to see Jack Burton, Monster Slayer in theaters.

18. When my could-be girlfriend asked if I wanted to do anything last night, I told her quite honestly that it was a school night. She should know this, since she teaches there.

19. I haven't spoken to the mother of my son in a month, and I very much doubt if she'll ever speak to me again unless I abandon my principles.

20. I truly think that Sex in the City is at fault for the bitchy, shallow, self-serving attitude of many older (read, 30's+) women these days.

21. I would rather have women be bitchy, shallow, and self-serving than let men walk all over them. Unless of course the man in question is me.

22. When my sister-in-law's sister visits next week, I'm going to put the moves on her. She's 40, but looks as young as the two 30 year olds I've dated recently. If an older woman who pursues younger men is a cougar, what is a younger man who pursues older women?

23. For a 3 week period toward the end of last semester, I thought I might have a future as a writer. I then realized I suck.

24. I sometimes think of leaving to where I want to go, damn the consequences.

25. My son's birth derailed everything I had planned for life. I'm glad.

A,B,C, X, Y, Z, Up, Down, Right, Left, Triangle, Circle, Square, R1, R2, L1, L2, RT, LT, RB, LB, White, Black, LTS, RTS.

A note before I begin:
An astute reader may notice that I have very few games in the pre-PS1/N64 era. I assure you, I think Super Mario Bros. 3 is great. Other games, like Zelda, have not aged particularly well. A lot of times, I simply haven't played or completed a game. I've completed every game on this list, often to a ridiculously detailed degree, with the exception of F-Zero GX, the last level of which is the devil's own. I've never played any Mario Kart game, because I don't like racing games with few exceptions. I've only played Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask to completion so far as Zelda games go, because I'm generally not a fan of fantasy. What I guess I'm getting at here is that a game which is "retro" is not necessarily better for it. Except for Sonic 2. Additionally, I'm very new to the current generation of consoles. I haven't played Fallout 3 or Grand Theft Auto IV, so I can't say much about how they would rank in my personal favorites.

My favorite games, in no particular order.

Suikoden II (PS1): This game will always hold a place in my favorites. It's a pretty compelling story (even if it's lifted straight from the first game), and you have a ton of characters to recruit. 108, to be exact. I lost my first copy to a move, got another for $40, which is a bargain considering it's now usually over $100.

Mass Effect (XB360): It's the video game adaptation of an alternate universe's best series of sci-fi novels. Or perhaps, it's the best sci-fi movie since Aliens. In fact, it's better to list its flaws than spend two pages on what I love about it. 1. There is jarring texture pop-in. I'm not sure if this might be fixed by installing it to my X-Box HDD or not. 2. This game is glitchy. I noticed it more on my second playthrough than on my first. I don't know if it's a result of the scale of the game creating too much work, or just BioWare dropping the ball a bit. Both Knights of the Old Republic games (More on them later) were glitchy, too.
Honorable Mention:
Knights of the Old Republic 1 & 2: Knights of the Old Republic was instantly one of the best games available when it came out. Very neat story, tons of detail and side-quests, and with enough influence from the first movie to make it familiar. Knights of the Old Republic 2 could have been the best game to come out on the XBox...could have been. The game was rushed to release for the holiday season, and I mean a lot. The final product shows flashes of brilliance, but is held down by terrible glitches and awkward shortcuts. I.E., the first game has a level where you require an environmental suit. You are slow as fuck in this level. In the second game, you have a few moments where you need to use a space suit. The suit is the same, of course, and you can excuse that. However, instead of say, changing the animation as they did for all of the attacks in the game, they simply sped up the animation, which looks terribly awkward. A door which was supposed to lead to a droid factory can't even be opened. A Jedi who you were supposed to meet on a droid planet is instead found dead as an afterthought in an unrelated planet. But enough about what could have been.

Snatcher(Sega CD): It liberally borrows from Terminator and Blade Runner, while chock-full of other film and video game references. Sure, it's pretty basic, but...come on! Rick Deckard vs. Terminators! Another game worth well over $100 in its Sega CD form. I spent several weeks finding and downloading the necessary emulator, BIOS, and ROM on a 56k connection, so you can't really say I didn't pay for it.

Ocarina of Time (N64): Amazing all around. Not much to say other than that. I am only a little ashamed to admit that I stole this game from a video store just before a move.

Super Mario 64 (N64): Extremely clever and well-done. I let a woman from work borrow this game for her kid...9 years ago. She moved, and I could beat her with a stick if I ever saw her again.

Super Mario World (SNES): I loooooove this game so much, you don't even know. I borrowed it from a friend for several weeks in the early 90's, and practically cried when he asked for it back. A few years ago, when my computer had kicked the bucket and a friend lent me an old one, it had an SNES emulator, and this was the only ROM he had. Needless to say, I spent several hours a day playing it, since it was the only game that old piece of junk could run besides Doom II.

F-Zero GX (GC): This fucker is hard. I mean fuckin' super hard. I got a lot of shit from friends about going the Gamecube route when it came to the sixth console generation. Really, they were probably right. But whenever somebody would say, Gamecube is a kiddy system, I would bring up F-Zero GX. I've been playing games since I was five, and this is quite possibly the most difficult game I've ever played.

Starcraft (PC): It's what, 12 years later? The game still holds up in the most important ways. Great story and great balance. Eleventy billion Koreans can't be wrong. It seems like I've bought the "War Chest" with Starcraft and Brood War every couple of years, after losing either the disk or product code.
-Honorable Mention:
Age of Empires II (PC): I'm a history buff, so there's that. There's also making Samurai fight Vikings. So yeah.

WWF No Mercy (N64): This game came out when the WWF was still the WWF, yet it manages to remain the best wrestling game ever made. What started with WCW World Tour was perfected by No Mercy. Incredible character customization, huge roster, and great replay value. My little brother, when he was barely a teenager, knew about this game when I didn't and made me buy it for him. Well played, little man. Well played.
-Honorable Mention:
WWF/E? Smackdown (PS2): Here Comes The Pain - It allows you to do probably even more than No Mercy does, but it is not quite so user-friendly and the create-a-wrestler is less robust.

Bioshock (XB360): One of only two current-gen games on the list. Amazing production values, and fantastic story. Intuitive controls, and the game gives you the right balance between "I'm going to fuck you up because I have exploding shotgun shells and shoot electricity from my hands! I AM AS ZEUS!" and "Oh, fuck me! Quit shooting! Who turned out the lights? I set him on fire and he's still shooting me with rivets!". Its only big flaw is the lack of replay value. You can either kill or rescue the little sisters. That's about it. It would be better with a New Game+, but unfortunately, the 360 doesn't have a New Game+.

Kingdom Hearts 1 & 2 (PS2): I'm putting them together because their appeal is linked. KH2 is probably the better game, but has a slightly incoherent storyline. I love Disney, and didn't realize how much until I would chuckle or smile at the cameos. The combat is a little weak in the first game, but it has much better villains. Very good graphics, for the generation.

School

I have been putting off completing two papers for about a week. They were due on Thursday and Friday respectively. I've tried sleeping more, sleeping less, isolation myself, relying on peer pressure...nothing has made me write them. I think that I've just hit a wall, frankly. My mind isn't working right. I don't even think that this is a question of whether my outside life is affecting my school work, I think that I've had more stressful points and still done what was expected of me.

Now you can see it! Except for the good stuff...

I've kept this blog for a week or two, using it to lay out things that I couldn't tell others. In the interest of attention, though, I've removed all of the sensitive material so that I can just use this as a blog. So, ahem, 2 or 3 people who would read this, pay attention, I plan to update this often.


A sign of things to come:
http://nedroid.com/galleryimages/everythingisterrible.JPG