I suck.

I've had four "major" girlfriends. There's no precise metric for determining a "major" girlfriend, I just consider these women to be those who I think I "loved". This is why the group includes a woman I'm unlikely to ever personally meet, and a woman who I dated for only a short time. I've had several lesser girlfriends, with whom I was certainly in committed relationships, but who never inspired the same kind of emotion from me. I don't intend to compare and contrast these relationships; at different periods each woman made me feel both incredible and worthless.

This is all necessary preface for future entries, but the point I'm getting to right now is this: I get jealous of the men with my ex-girlfriends. It's a stupid, illogical, self-destructive thing, but there you go. I think that perhaps this is because each of my "major" relationships ended in a somewhat unsatisfactory way. My mind tells me that, indeed, I'm not attached to any of these women at present, but I simply can't help but occasionally feel jealous of their new men. For that matter, I get jealous when other men even flirt. Usually, I am mature enough to handle this and not let it become an issue...unless I'm drunk.

Last night, I was drunk. Suffice it to say, friend-love feelings can get mixed up with love-love feelings, especially when Guinness is involved. Unfortunately, I can't count on her own drunkenness erasing her memory of last night, but thankfully, the woman in question doesn't read this blog, so I can be frank in my quasi-anonymous reflections. The fact is, I would totally pursue a romantic relationship with her, if she lived within a day's driving distance. She doesn't, therefore I don't, but I have trouble keeping the bitter ex and lovelorn ex of my psyche from showing their ugly faces during our interaction. The solution isn't complex but it is rather difficult.


I went to a gun show the other day. I've been going to these things since I was just a small boy. I bought a "Guns don't kill people, people kill people" sticker to paste alongside my "Obama 08" sticker. I like gun shows, not just for the wares, but for the people. These are the types I've known all my life. We share a background, if not a philosophy. That's enough for me.

I've hung up my hat as a cougar hunter for the time being. It turns out, when a woman reminds you of your local best friend and an ex-girlfriend, especially the bad parts, the weirdness doesn't stop, it only gets worse.